Katy Vs. Her Ovaries - One Cyst Down

The Recap: I am four days out of my laparoscopy. The surgery went well. I ended up with two incisions plus the cut in my bellybutton. Dr. Bell did not take out my left ovary. He did remove as much of the 5 cm. cyst from my left ovary that he could. He did find quite a bit of endometriosis beyond the cyst that we already knew about. I could get into the logistics of it, but it's probably neither here nor there. He did diagnose me with somewhere between stage 3 and stage 4 endometriosis. I think I knew that this was the most probable outcome of the surgery. For some reason it hurts a little more four days out from the surgery than I expected.

Initially, I was so worried about the actual procedure that it wasn't until right before the day of my surgery did I start to think about what would happen next. I just wanted to get through the waking up early and the nerves and the anesthesia and the pain. That's all I was worried about until I finally remembered that the end of the surgery wasn't just the surgery. I had kind of forgotten that all this sometimes seems to be is the longest road.

I went this Saturday to get my staples removed from Dr. Bell who happened to be on call this weekend. Cody went with me and we got to recap in more detail what Dr. Bell had found. Dr. Bell did say that he had dealt with numerous women with endometriosis as widespread as mine. He even told us that he thought somewhere around 90% of women in similar cases ended up pregnant. For some reason, this gives me very little solace. He showed me pictures from my surgery. He showed me the cyst and my right ovary that does have some growths on it that we didn't see with an ultrasound. He showed me all of the stuff in me that isn't supposed to be there. I felt so overwhelmed. I don't know how all of this happened inside my own body without me having the slightest clue. How can I have stage four endometriosis? Where was I for stage one and two? I just don't get it.

Dr. Bell did suggest that I take a drug called Lupron for three months or so. Lupron is an injection that essentially forces a woman into pre-menopause in hopes that it will kill out as much of the "roots" of the endometriosis that he couldn't clear in surgery. Lupron logically has some pretty serious side effects. Any time a twenty-something-year-old woman is forced into menopause there are bound to be some hormonal side effects happening. The internet is filled with horror stories about the drug. At this point though, I sort of feel like I have no other option. I am starting to accept that there are going to have to be some somewhat drastic measures taken for me to try to get pregnant. Any ideas I used to have about the way becoming a parent would look like are gone. They have been replaced with injections and pain and schedules and a lot of failing. A lot of months that don't end in babies.

The first couple of days out of surgery I felt okay about this whole thing. I had kept both of my ovaries which I felt like was the worst thing that could have happened. I wasn't in an enormous amount of pain. I felt like I had jumped a hurdle. For whatever reason I now feel like the surgery simply solidified my fear about how difficult this process might be. I guess I get it now. I must have been holding onto some outside chance that the surgery would somehow reveal less issues than I actually have. I kept telling myself that I would just turn up pregnant one of these months and we would all move forward with a baby like all of my friends who just move forward with babies. I kept telling myself that maybe I would get to do that too. But the surgery did more realistically define reality for me. And it's obviously taking me a little while to process all of this. 

For a while I didn't know whether or not I really wanted a child. I tried to focus on all of the bad, all of the typical stuff that people with kids complain about. For whatever reason, now all I can think about is how much I do want a child. Just one. I don't need an army of them. I just want one of my own. I feel like that has to be doable. It has to be something that someone can figure out how to accomplish. I am trying to resolve myself to the process that I am going to have to endure to try to have a child. I am trying to accept that all of the difficult parts of this may still not end with Cody and me having a baby of our own. I am trying to ignore the questions about how we got to this point and instead focus on trying to move beyond it. I am trying to remind myself that no one feels like this is my fault, no matter how much I feel that way. I am trying to understand that despite all signs pointing to it, I am not shriveled up and this is not a lost cause. And I am trying to juggle all of these emotions two weeks outside of the start of the school year and volleyball season and a few days away from injecting myself with a drug that will shut down my reproductive system like I'm fifty years old. I am trying to understand that this is where I am right now and there is no easy way out.

 

Someone knocked the breath out of me. I ran into a brick wall. I have been blindsided. 

I am beginning to think that the surgery was the easy stuff. 

Katy Vs. Her Ovaries - Maybe Years, Too

I am a firm believer in the power of travel, and by travel, I mean going somewhere unfamiliar and different and new. In my experience, travelling provides a perspective on your life at home that cannot be gained until life in someone else's home is examined. Travelling has a way of minimizing the trivial parts of the world that we experience each day, and a way of magnifying the parts of our lives that remain significant even thousands of miles away.

Keeping in mind my personal opinion on the value of going places, I put a lot of pressure on our most recent trip to St. John. I was somewhat familiar with St. John. I had even been there before; nonetheless, for whatever reason, I was really hopeful that a week in a Caribbean paradise would yield a new perspective on my upcoming surgery and our recent reproduction issues. I hoped that enough clear water and sunny skies would somehow change my current situation or at least change the way I thought about my current situation. I was hopeful that there was some moment of clarity and acceptance still waiting to envelope me that just happen to be hiding in a perfect sunset over the beach or on the side of a cliff overlooking the ocean. I just knew getting away from all of this would make it a little easier or a little less scary or a little less like a ticking clock constantly reminding me that what I've got right now simply isn't cutting it.

St. John was great. There were lots of pretty sunsets and gorgeous views of the ocean. There was lots of time to reflect and talk with Cody about our lives. There was sand between our toes and water in our ears and a salty taste that lingered for days. And yet, at the end of the trip there was nothing new to replace the thoughts and fears that I held tight when I first stepped on that plane in Ft. Smith. All of the worry and anxiety and frustration about my lack of ovulation and this upcoming surgery proved to be quite the travelling companions as we all made our way back home from our tropical getaway.

On the plane ride home from Atlanta after enduring a five hour delay that resulted in our final flight of the day taking off at about midnight, I had simply had enough. I finally admitted what I probably didn't want to admit throughout the entire vacation, which is the unfortunate truth that my current baby battles are one of the significant things in my life that travelling served to magnify rather than minimize. There I was on the last row of a too small plane with my head wedged against a smudgy window listening to depressing music and wondering what revelation I'll be searching for on summer vacation next year...and eventually accepting that there is a very real chance that my next vacation will be very similar to the one I was ending. Unfortunately or perhaps fortunately, I suppose the most significant experiences in our lives not only can span oceans and continents, but maybe years too.

As it turns out that was my moment of clarity that was hiding in the early morning hours of a flight home rather than a beautiful sunset on a beach somewhere.

St. John - 2013

Cody and I have been back from St. John for about a week now. Overall, we had a really great time! We spent a lot of time on some of the prettiest beaches we've ever seen. We only got sun burnt once. We didn't once wreck our jeep, despite the crazy St. John roads on which we drove. We bummed a few episodes of "Dexter" off of the Westin's premium cable. We didn't see any sharks or scary ocean creatures despite snorkeling on more than one occasion. And as we always do, Cody and I had a lot of fun spending a week together exploring a new place. Below are some pictures to capture our week in St. John.

St. John in known as an eco-friendly island, meaning that there is a big push to leave the island as untouched as possible. This is Cody hiking through what you can tell is some fairly jungle-like terrain. We hiked to the Southern-most tip of the island, called Rams Head, one morning. It was awesome. The hike consisted of sandy beaches, mountains, crevasses, cacti, black stone beaches, and a breathtaking view of the ocean. And yes, he did wear that hat for the majority of the trip. Sun protection at its finest.

More hiking. He looks so majestic. 

This was the end point for our hike. We were trying to capture the peak in the background with cool cloud. Every trip we take we threaten to bring along a picture-taker for our next adventure...and then we remember picture-taker is another word for friends who are willing to travel with you...and then we remember we don't have any of those. 

Trunk Bay overlook. Often times voted the prettiest beach in the world, which is not an exaggeration.

This was in the midst of our sun burning episode. 

Us at Cinnamon Bay, another of St. John's incredible beaches. Note the hat on my dear husband again.

Us on Trunk Bay. We finally asked someone to actually take a picture of us. 

Us at Salt Pond Bay, which was very close to the Concordia Eco Tents which is where we stayed for the first few nights despite it not having air conditioning and instead having bugs. I was very proud of myself for not freaking. New experiences are good for people.