Recently I have found myself somewhat overwhelmed by this whole wedding idea. And by somewhat, I mean terribly, utterly, frozen in fear, heart pounding, I don't think I want to do this anymore, overwhelmed. I have logically tried to analyze these feelings seeing as I am set to be married in about 2 weeks. I feel like I need to understand these reactions so I can maybe work to understand them and control them on June 19th. Here's what I've come up with...
I am not a nervous type of person. I would go so far as to tell you that when I have been plagued with nerves in past situations I manage to overcome these emotions by reminding myself that I am better than anyone else doing the same things so they will be the ones who look like idiots. For example, I understand that I have performed in front of a lot more people than will be at my wedding. The difference is that in the past I have generally been doing something. Showcasing some type of talent. And correctly or not, I have always had a fair amount of confidence in my skills. The problem with getting married is that it takes no talent. Anyone can walk down an aisle and hold a bouquet and say "I do." You don't have to compete to get a chance to do this (well, I guess you do if you consider the dating game a competition but that's a whole other post). You just show up. You buy the white dress. You throw a bouquet together with some fake flowers that were half off at Hobby Lobby and you strut down that aisle like you own the place.
Now, I will not be holding fake flowers and I will not strut (okay, I may strut a little), but I will be walking the same way any other woman who has ever gotten married has walked. There's no talent. There are no points to be scored. There is not a Wins-Losses record for marriages. It's frustrating. I feel like all that is left when you are performing a performance that takes no skills is for people to stare at you and judge you solely based on how you look. I've never been a big fan of this. Was I the hottest chick on the court? Probably not. But I bet I could have beaten the hottest chick on the court in a number of athletic competitions that include, but are not limited to: H-O-R-S-E, wrestling, ping pong, any sort of catching game, reading exercises, a spelling bee, shoe tying, dog whispering, free throw contests, etc. (I could go on forever. Let's be honest). Where are my games on June 19th?
I need some sort of skill beyond looking pretty to be showcased on my wedding day. I don't know how to look pretty. I do not spend hours of my free time trying to get prettier than I was the day before. I don't understand this skill. I have sort of decided that the skills I will have to focus on are things that I am simply not very comfortable with: grace, femininity, being emotionally vulnerable. Those three things alone make me a little nauseous (is that how you spell nauseous? I may need to revoke my spelling bee skills from the aforementioned list. Is that how you spell aforementioned? Ahhh!). Sorry. I digress.
After all of these thought processes, I have come to this conclusion. The skills that are being showcased on your wedding day are simply different than what I am used to. A dashing groom who seems comfortable with displaying his love for you equals an above 75% free throw percentage. A dress that makes you look prettier than you really are equals a flawless hitting approach and court awareness. An aura of genuine emotion and seemingly honest happiness equals a game winning shot from just in front of the half court line. I am just going to have to be okay with these being the things that I have to focus on instead of any type of real skill.
However, I would like to think that even in the tightest of situations and most unfavorable circumstances, I tend to come through in the end. I once had a coach tell me that I was very much a "game player." Looking back on that phrase, I realize now he was trying to tell me that I was somewhat lazy in my preparation for competition and instead only wanted to shine when the lights turned on in a gym packed with people who only wanted to see me and no one else play something. Maybe this was a little bit true. Maybe I did eat up the spotlight. Maybe June 19th will be more fulfilling than I would have ever predicted because there will be no other bride. There will be no one competing against me. The spotlight will turn on at 6p.m. to reveal me and only me standing in the run out tunnel with fog spilling out around me (Why did I not consider getting a fog machine until just now?) Maybe I will like this...Maybe.
Note to self...get a fog machine.
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