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Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Hat Store

Every time Christmas/really cold weather rolls around, I’m always reminded of Cody and me years ago. I guess some of the best moments we have had together happened when it was winter time (remember this statement later in this blog).
This weekend Cody and I went to Dallas for his company Christmas party. During our four hour drive, we had an interesting conversation about our relationship, and the way it has progressed over these almost six years we’ve been together. I learned a lot from this conversation about Cody and me as a couple and also about Cody as an individual. I realized after talking to him that I don’t give Cody enough credit. Because he is so relaxed and easy to get along with, I occasionally attribute this attitude to indifference. I always assume that Cody doesn’t really over analyze much of anything and instead just goes with the flow. The longer I have known him, the more I guess that he doesn’t really care about stuff that I think about a lot. Cody’s easy-going attitude sometimes frustrates me and leaves me a bit unfulfilled on occasion.

One of the weirdest parts about being married I have determined is that your husband (in my case at least) assumes the role that used to be filled by females. For instance, Cody and I hang out the way I used to hang out with friends who were girls. I’m not saying I don’t have any friends anymore. I just think that marriage lends itself to making married people one another’s fulfillment of many different roles. Cody is my husband, boyfriend, friend, caretaker, lover, handyman (Cody will want to insert a joke here), financial consultant, entertainment, etc. The different roles that we fill for one another are endless. I don’t think that this is necessarily a trait of marriage specifically, but certainly of relationships where people live together. In the past few months, I have found myself wishing Cody was sometimes more like a girl. When things happen that I want to analyze and talk about and reanalyze and talk about some more, I have found that Cody wants to watch ESPN. Don’t get me wrong, I love ESPN. I just occasionally wish that Cody wanted to analyze and evaluate the way I do on a regular basis.

Okay, so back to the point…I realized this weekend that Cody may not verbalize his thoughts and feelings like women, but he at least has those thoughts and feelings. I like knowing that Cody has analyzed and thought out the experiences we’ve had together just like I have. I like knowing that some of Cody’s indifference is probably a partial disconnect between the two of us. After I considered this for a while, I realized that Cody probably has these exact same thoughts about some of the same things I do. At some point in our Dallas drive discussion, Cody said he felt “like a weight had been lifted off his chest.” I realize now that I am not all that Cody needs or wants or wishes for all the time either. That thought seems fairly simple, but I realized that I never really consider Cody as having any emotional needs. This brings us back to the indifference perception I’ve had about him. I always think of our marriage in terms of me. I realized this weekend that I need to consider the we in Cody and me more often.

I know now that the next step in this process is for me to relay this conversation to my closest friends (just kidding, sort of). Yet, I know that I will not be able to communicate the meaningfulness of this conversation to people who haven’t been there for six years. And I come back to the solace that Cody is the only person who has been there in all of the ways he has been there for all these years. This thought process brought me back to all of the moments along the journey of Cody and Katy that have really stood out to me. One in particular seemed fitting considering the topic of much of what was shared in the Dallas Drive Discussion of 2010 (yah, the event has a proper name now).

One year in college during Christmas break, I had gone “home” to my parent’s house (across town). I think this was the Christmas of our freshman year which would mean soon to be 2005. Anyhoo, it snowed around the holidays that year, and I was barricaded in my home as usual (my mother acts like driving on slick roads is as impossible as walking on water). To my surprise, Cody and his friend Mitch braved the weather in Cody’s blue jeep to come and hang out with me. We all three found ourselves in my bedroom hanging out (awkward, I know). This was at a point when Cody and I were dating, I guess you would say, but we were not officially together. Before the end of the night, Mitch had fallen “asleep” (I think he was just a good friend to Cody and recognized CP’s opportunity to mess around with his new girl) on the floor of my room. Cody and I stayed up and talked and laughed and had a memorable night with one another. I found myself in the room where so many nights had been spent thinking about the unsuccessful male relationships I had endured throughout the years. All around me was high school, but right in front of me was Cody. I didn’t know that Cody would last as long as he did. I didn’t know that Cody would be my husband one day. But I did know that Cody was different than any guy who littered the pictures that hung on the walls of that bedroom. It was perfect. It was a transition from high school to college. It was a transition from being somewhat interested in Cody to knowing that he was someone that I really wanted to know better. It was a transition from “talking” to Cody to being with Cody. We did not officially become boyfriend and girlfriend, but the night was worth noting. As they left, I remember watching Cody and Mitch slide down the street I grew up on and never feeling so good about anything in my life. I remember walking back inside and immediately wishing Cody would show back up (no offense, Mitch. I didn’t really miss you much). I remember thinking that Cody was exactly what I needed at that moment. He wasn’t too much of anything. And he was just enough to differentiate him from high school. Cody has always been just enough.

As we drove home from Dallas this weekend, I realized that Cody and I have probably traveled a somewhat different road than a lot of young people who fall in love. We followed rules that most people simply push to the side as ideas that are unrealistic. Years later and a wedding later, I think Cody and I can both wonder “what if” about us, but it doesn’t matter. This weekend clarified for me that Cody and I are very much on the same wave length. Since we have been married, I feel like so much has changed that I have psyched myself into thinking that something should feel changed as well. I thought we should be different than we used to be. I have certainly over thought the concept of marriage. I think I have been wrong. We are still as connected (if not much more) than those kids making out on my bed five years ago. Cody and I are exactly the way we are supposed to be. We may not always have what we need at the exact moment we need it, but we will eventually find our way there. We wear all the hats we need to wear for one another. And if we don’t…I am confident we’ll find the hat store.

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