I have officially completed one month of Lupron. I went last Thursday to get my second shot of three. Despit the terrible possibilities, I have been pleasantly surprised at how few side effects I seem to have experienced. I have recently started having some noticeable hot flashes. Granted, it's 95 degrees outside, and I came out of the womb sweating so I'm not sure being hot is too out of the norm for me. In the big picture, the hot flashes are no big deal.
The past month has been a little weird simply because I started taking Lupron and started living the three most hectic months of the year in respect to my job. I appreciate that Lupron seems to have perfectly coincided with volleyball season. I wouldn't have my stress any other way than simply over the top. I have had a couple of experiences in which my emotions seem to have gotten the best of me. I am hesitant to blame these out of character emotional displays on Lupron because I may just be a little unstable right now. However, these moments of emotion seem to be much stronger than the norm.
Because Lupron is used to shut down a person's ovaries, I can't help but think back to my own mom's experience with medically-induced menopause years ago after a hysterectomy. There was one evening when I was in high school that seems to be an accurate example of the short fuse I seem to have in respect to emotions recently. I remember going to eat dinner with my parents one evening after a basketball game. We all sat down. Everything seemed completely normal. I even think we had won the game. The waiter came to take our drink orders. My mom proceeded to order a Diet Coke to which the waiter responded that the Diet Coke machine temporarily not working. My mom looked at that poor kid with stone cold eyes and then stood up and simply walked out of the restaurant. My dad and I wondered for a few minutes whether or not she might return. She didn't. We ate dinner and were thankful that we happened to have more than one car at the restaurant. When we got home, my mom was already in bed and acted as if she hadn't just walked out of dinner because of a lack of Diet Coke. Moral of the story here is that estrogen serves a lot of purposes for women.
In the past month I have cried in front of my superintendent serving as only the second time I have ever cried in front of anyone at work in five years, much less my boss of all bosses. I am officially the crazy girl now by the way. Every time he sees me he acts as if I might start bawling without warning. It's terrible. I have also found myself much quicker to anger than normal. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) the mother of one of my players experienced my new found temper as she tried to convince me that her child deserved more playing time. I am fairly certain that by the end of the conversation the parent understood why her child would not be getting more playing time. She also understood that she should apparently never approach me with any sort of issue ever again. I really felt sort of bad after the confrontation, but at the same time I felt completely liberated. It's like I have no filter. I can't turn it off. Emotions just happen without me having any sort of control, which is not normal for me at all. In some weird way though, it's kind of nice. I have always really tried to keep my emotions in check. I sort of understand why some people just cry when they feel like crying and scream when they feel like screaming. It's exhilarating to just be whatever it is you feel. Granted, you may get fired or in a fist fight, but we have to suffer some repercussions in this life I suppose.
The other day when I went in to get my shot I talked to the nurse about what happens after I finish taking the Lupron. Sometimes it's hard for me to remember why I'm doing all of this. In the middle of the night when I'm awake and sweating and crying (not really) it's difficult for me to connect these weird things with having a child. At this point the surgery and the doctors' bills and the scars and the stitches and the Lupron and the crying and the anger are all just a weird part of my life completely unconnected to a baby. I keep telling myself that no one has to go to excessive lengths to have a child and still not have a child. Right? I keep telling myself that one day all of these funny stories will be just funny stories to be remembered as we sit around and stare at some cute little kid that's a perfect mixture of Cody and Katy. I worry that if all of this doesn't end with a child there will eventually come a time when all of these funny stories seem a lot less funny.
But for now, they're all pretty funny. And I am thankful for that. For now.
No comments:
Post a Comment