Before and After

I've been a parent for eight weeks today. I turned 29 two days ago. I will not go back to work next week as I have done the past seven years. My life is unrecognizable, and I don't know how I feel about it. My head is spinning much in the same way it has since I found out I was pregnant almost a year ago. However, the chaos of all of this change is held at bay because of the little creature sleeping in the next room.

Owen is great. Having a child is less traumatic than I thought it would be (so far). Yes, I spend nearly every minute of every day with an infant. Yes, I do the same monotonous tasks over and over again. Yes, I worry irrationally about every noise he murmurs or spot on his flawless skin. Yes, the whole thing is exhausting in a completely different way than anything else I've every done, but I still don't want out. Most of the time, I'm completely okay with my decision to be a parent and quit working. The idea of someone else caring for Owen is harder for me to conceptualize than not going to back to work. And so I won't go. But we all know it's not that easy.

I would like to be working. I wish that there was a world in which women could have babies and spend more than twelve weeks at home with them. (This is why we should all move to Europe by the way). I wish I could have the best of both worlds, but I realize this isn't possible, and in turn my life has been permanently altered. My course is no longer the same.

I have always been fascinated by happenings in one's life that draw a line in the sand. When I was fifteen and my mom was diagnosed with cancer for the second time, I realized for the first time that I would be a different person before and after that experience. I was drawn to the idea that events can so profoundly shape people. I started to crave hearing about other people's before and after events; I wanted to know about all of the things that make people who they are.

I could list a few different things that were powerful enough to draw a line in my sand. The other day Vince Vaughn discussed this same concept of powerful events on an episode of True Detective, and it struck me for the first time that giving birth to Owen is the only before and after event of my life that is good. All the rest are associated with tragedy and pain. All the rest have formed callouses against the world. All the rest have made me hunker down, grit my teeth, believe that the world is more bad than good.

Sure, I have had really good things happen to me, but they happened gradually and sneaked into my existence without me noticing their presence all at once. But Owen arrived with a bang. One day I woke up without a child and before the sun set I was a mother to a baby boy. That is a "line in the sand" moment that I understand now is made up of nothing but goodness. I do not have to hunker down or grit my teeth to be his mom. I do not feel pain despite the alteration of my course. The changes he has brought are okay, and I consider myself lucky to get to spend every hour of everyday with him.

The thing about before and after events is that they are all-consuming. They appear out of nowhere and swallow you whole. They demand that you deal with them. They demand to be felt. I am relieved to know that there are experiences to be had that can shake you to your core with love and gratitude rather than pain or hurt. Owen is one of my before and after's. And right now, he is the only one that matters anymore.