Owen - 9 Months

Owen is nine months old. This post will cover more time than usual. I just recently realized that assuming Owen a month older every four weeks doesn't actually cover all 52 weeks in a year. Therefore, I've recalculated and will start counting Owen a month older on the 8th of each month moving forward. I blame all of this on the fog of being a mother months ago. I'm finally coming back into the light of the real world.

Owen is around 30 inches long. It's hard to measure him accurately because he won't sit still long. He weighs at least 19 pounds. Long and skinny.

He generally goes to bed around 8p.m. and wakes up between 7 and 8. He generally naps twice a day, but he is becoming harder and harder to get to sleep during the day unless he is in the car.

Owen has four teeth. Two on bottom and two on top. His top teeth have a gap in between them. So cute.

Owen has mastered crawling on his hands and knees rather than his belly in the past weeks. He can pull himself up on anything he wants and can cruise alongside stuff, especially his play pen.

He still loves to clap his hands, bang objects together, look at anything that spins (especially ceiling fans), and playing peekaboo. He likes to facilitate peekaboo himself with his blankets or a pillow. He also likes to duck below the edge of his play pen and pop his head up when someone is watching. Some of his favorite toys are his table with the purple legs and any kind of block. He will play on his own for five or ten minutes at a time.

He eats food at most once a day. He really likes spaghetti and bananas. He also likes drinking water out of a straw if someone is willing to squirt it in his mouth.

We are still fighting food allergies. He has had two rashes in the past weeks because I have eaten something that bugs him. Dairy still seems to be the issue, but it doesn't bother him all the time. It's a mystery pretty much that we have just learned to do our best to keep under control.

Owen seems to be getting sweeter and cuter every day. I realize I say that in every blog update about him, but certainly this is a really fun age. He has so much personality. He is very active, happy, and sensitive about some things. He is pretty much the best thing ever.

On a completely different note, Owen's GeeGee passed away on February 4th. It has been a challenge to manage all that comes with a parent dying and keeping up with a baby. However, time and again Owen has been the shining light in a room of sadness. He has made us smile and laugh. He has been a welcome distraction. He has been a source of strength for me at a time when I have felt as if the world is crumbling around me. It upsets me to know that Owen will never know my mom. To him, she will only be someone I tell stories about. However, I find myself on a daily basis reminding myself to slow down, to drink in the moment, to try to capture his little sweet breath or his wispy hair because my mom would want me to. She would want me to relish this time with my first baby whether she is here or not. So in a way, my mom will always be here. Owen will know her because he knows me. I suppose that's what being a parent is about, passing along the good even after you are gone.

Pretend this just says 36 weeks. 

His hair is the best. 

Wearing Dad's hair net from work one day. 

Owen likes to reach for lights and people and all sorts of things. He did this while we were meeting with the pastor about my mom's memorial service. From then on, we've considered this Owen's "praisin'" motion. 

Swinging at the park. 

Shopping with Aunt Sandy. 

Giving Dad a bottle. 

First thing in the morning. 

This kid is the best. 

The leaves and the music and the UFOs.

My mom is dying. Literally dying.

My mom is dying of metastatic breast cancer that has spread to her brain.

My mom is dying. We have known this for over a month now. Christmas brought with it the news of two tumors staring back from an x-ray, uninvited among the wrapping paper and leftovers.

My mom is dying, and I am not. I always assumed that when the mutant cells in my mom's body finally caught up with her my only option would be to wave the white flag as well. I assumed that life without my mom was an impossibility. I imagined what it would look like. I tried to imagine who I would call on the phone. I wondered who would eat lunch with me on a Wednesday afternoon. Who would gush over pictures of Owen. Who would go with me to Target. Who would be my mom. There was no answer to those questions, so I assumed life without my mom wouldn't ever actually unfold. I was wrong.

My mom is dying. She is at the hospital, but not to be cared for. We have stopped fighting the cancer. We have given up. We have let them win. I support the decision to quit. However, if my mom was in her right mind, she would never be okay with this. She would sign up for the next dose of chemo. She would demand her doctor make a new plan. She would assure those around her, "I'll be okay." This is why I admire my mom - the woman without an ounce of quit in her. She outran the rest of us. I knew she would.

My mom is dying. For the past week she has slept more than not. She has existed somewhere in the fog of life with a tumor pressing on your brain. I have sat beside her bedside. I have watched her chest rise and fall. I have counted breaths. I have stared at her thin skin wondering if the cancer is right below the surface. Is it close enough to see? Is there anyway I could hold it accountable for what its done to my mom? Does it know who she is? It must not.

My mom is dying. I left the hospital tonight to drive home. I was alone. No Cody. No Owen. I drove the long way to my house through streets I have driven for years. I listened to the same music I listened to in high school when my mom again had cancer, but was not dying. I turned left. Right. I went through traffic lights. I sped up. I slowed down. Leaves scurried across the road as the wind blew too hard for February. It struck me that it is Groundhog Day. I laughed at the thought that cancer has sort of been our Groundhog Day. We've done this before. We've watched these scenes scroll across our screens for many years. Cancer has been on repeat for too long in our lives.

My mom is dying. On the way home from the hospital tonight I thought I saw a UFO. Weird lights in the dark sky hovered overhead. They didn't move much. They just floated. I followed them as the road allowed, turning through a neighborhood I had never been in before. I craned my neck to look at something that I knew wasn't real, my heart quickening with the realness of the floating lights. I realized that aliens can exist in a world without my mom. Why not? What else will float in the sky once my mom is gone?

My mom is dying. She is dying when I wake up. She is dying when I go to bed. She is dying when I refresh Twitter. She is dying when I change a diaper. She is dying when I do dishes. She is dying when I sit in her chair. She is dying when it's cold outside. She is dying when it's warm. She is dying when I hold my baby. She is dying with every rise and fall of her chest. She is dying at night in my car with the leaves and the music and the UFOs.

My mom is dying. And I am not. Somehow I am not.

Owen - 8 Months

Owen is eight months old. He weighs a little more than 18 pounds (18.2ish). He is about 28 inches long still. This month we celebrated Christmas and New Year's Eve. We spent time in West Fork and Poteau for Christmas. Owen enjoyed tearing the wrapping paper and the new toys he was given.

He has recently learned to clap his hands and pull to a standing position. He is a very happy little man. He pats us (or anyone) on the back when we pick him up and hold him. It's the cutest thing. He still likes taking a bath. He has started demanding that his wash cloth be used as a rag to suck on for the duration of his soak.

We've started brushing his two teeth recently, and he likes to suck on his toothbrush while we get his pajamas on each night.

In the past month, I had to be admitted to the hospital for a kidney stone episode so Owen spent about twelve hours with me unavailable for nursing. It was far more traumatic for Cody and me than for Owen.

The eighth month has been a fun one!

I realize I'm off on my pictures by a bit. 

I thought the Christmas tree would be safe this year; however, Owen was very interested in reaching for the ornaments. 

This is Owen on Christmas Eve at his Nanny Robbie's house in West Fork. He spent the evening crawling from relative to relative checking out their shoes. This boy loves shoes, especially those with laces. 

This was Christmas day at my parents' house with Owen's Great Grandmother, my mamaw. 

All tuckered out on Christmas. 

Owen riding one of his favorite Christmas toys. 

A baby butt for good measure. 

Cody took this picture to try to capture how frizzy the hair on the back of Owen's head gets when he naps. 

Working on standing up. 

I've been trying to capture Owen waking up in the mornings. He is so sweet at night and in the morning. Him waking up beside me each morning is one of the best things I've got going right now. 

After a bath. 

My boys playing. Owen spends a lot of time propped up on one arm as he crawls. 

Owen - 7 Months

So much has happened in the past month!

Owen has started crawling, celebrated his first Thanksgiving, tried solid food, and gotten his first tooth all within the past four weeks. It has been crazy!

Owen weighs right at 18 pounds and is 28 inches long. That makes him tall and skinny currently.

On Thanksgiving Day he started crawling. Both of my parents and Cody and I were there to witness the first real scoot along the floor at my Grandma's house. Oddly enough, I accidentally coaxed Owen into crawling by setting my phone a few feet out in front of him and saying, "If you want that phone so bad, go get it." Sure enough, homeboy crawled to that phone. Now he can crawl all over this house. He likes being able to independently do his best at sticking his hands in the dog food bowls and their water dish. He also manages to crawl directly into things like walls and table legs so we have had to watch him closely. At this point, he has only perfected an army crawl on his belly, but in the past week he seems to be figuring out how to balance himself on his knees and hands.

He does love all things technological (phones, iPads, computers, televisions). We try to avoid them as much as possible but a lot of the time it feels like a losing battle. He also likes blocks and anything he can put in his mouth. He plays all of the time now, which has made the whole parenting thing a lot more fun.

We started solid foods this month. We started with bananas and proceeded from there to avocados and sweet potatoes. He was sort of unimpressed at the beginning of the food process but seems like he is getting more interested all the time.

We went to Dallas this month for Cody's business Christmas party. Owen did fine. Sleeping in bed with us actually makes travelling easier it seems. We didn't get to eat all of our normal stuff because of Owen's allergy issues, but we had fun nonetheless.

Owen also got his first tooth (and second soon thereafter) this month. It has been an exciting few weeks for our little man.

In the hotel room in Dallas before Cody's Christmas party. December 5th.

Looking at the lights on the Square in Fayetteville.

Bath time has become a real hit.

Cody and Owen watching an Adele video...and singing.

Owen tearing up the paper at his 6 month doctor's visit.

The faces of Owen as he peeks over a shoulder are priceless.