So, I went to try on wedding dresses today. I have been somewhat hesitant about the dress process since even before I was engaged. I am not a wedding dress type of girl. I have not dreamt of my one day wedding dress my whole life. In fact, I have given it very little thought until I found myself engaged. I feel like the pressure and importance placed on a wedding dress by the world in general made up for my lack of emphasis.
I love Sex & the City. I have lived vicariously through the women of that show for years now. There is an episode soon after Carrie has gotten engaged to Aiden where her and Miranda try on wedding dresses more or less for fun in preparation for Carrie's marriage. They are standing in this cramped fitting room with some hideous wedding dress giggling about the entire situation. Carrie eventually manages to get the dress on only to immediately want to take it off. She has a mini meltdown in the form of a panic attack at the sight of her in a wedding dress. For Carrie, t was everything that a wedding means wrapped into a large ball of toole and rhinestones. It was her loss of freedom and independence and sexual promiscuity and her identity. I have always identified with that scene for whatever reason. I am not as old as Carrie is. I am not as sexually experienced as Carrie's character is. But I am as attached to who I am as Carrie is. I have always wondered if one day I would put on a wedding dress and soon be engulfed in the magnitude of the situation that I am oddly enough now in.
Today in Beau's Bridal with my mother (a lot less cool than Miranda) acting as my wedding dress assistant I tried on 3 dresses. I tried them on more out of curiosity than actual interest. And I tried them on because I knew I needed to try them on. I did not panic. I did not feel terribly overwhelmed. I giggled and laughed and recognized that I am getting married on June 19th. It was certainly one of those steps toward understanding that marriage is more than a day in June and an excuse to get dressed up. I think I get marriage more than Carrie Bradshaw. However, I still am a bit daunted (if not a lot daunted) by the baggage that comes with marriage. The realistic, pessimistic part of me (which is a big part of me by the way) thinks that it is somewhat crazy to think that a person can make a decision at 23 that will still be in place when they are 63. It is proposterous that in a few months I won't be Katy Schrodt anymore, and instead Katy Prater. It is insane to understand that Cody and I will one day have children, create humans, together. It is crazy.
I do not want out. I do not question whether or not this is right. I just think marriage is a hugely unobtainable concept for me to digest all at once. It will take me all 7 months (and most likely years of marriage) of this engagement for me to understand what it is that we are exactly doing. I can only hold onto the truth that I am certain of. And that is that enough love can erase the realistic, pessimistic side of a person and replace it with a little less Carrie Bradshaw and a little more fairytale.
No comments:
Post a Comment