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| I took this picture at about 3:15a.m. and I wasn't even mad. |
Esalen's website describes the resort as the following: "A community of practice. A place of pilgrimage. An integral learning environment devoted to pioneering deep change in self and society; in heart, spirit, body, and mind. Esalen is where seekers serve seekers, and where the veil between what is actual and what is possible is as thin as mist."
So yeah, there's that. Cody and I decided that we wanted to experience this magical place with the thin mist and pilgrims ASAP. We especially wanted to experience this place after reading about its history as a hippie counterculture community where lots of famous psychologists, reseachers, and celebrities (Bob Dylan, Abraham Maslow, sat around and did LSD and yoga and tried to determine what all of this life stuff means. We gladly paid $25 each to be able to soak in the powerful springs of Esalen from 1-3a.m. All of the other time is dedicated strictly to the people who actually stay at the Institute for one of the wellness programs.
We set out from our campground in the pitch black darkness of Big Sur, winding along the Highway only feet from hurling our Toyota Corolla into the Pacific Ocean. We were so tired. It was kind of cold. Everything in our bodies was screaming no and yet when someone mentions deep change and a big tub of hot water, Cody and I are both willing to do just about anything.
Funny side story - Before we started driving toward Esalen, I was waiting on Cody in the car while he went back to the cabin for something he had forgotten. Out of the corner of my scratchy eye balls, I noticed something rustling in the weeds and saw a skunk come walking out of the brush not three feet from my car door. In this moment, time slowed to a crawl as I stared at that skunk frozen in fear for my unsuspecting, equally tired husband who was fumbling in the cabin for his swim trunks. I ran through every possible strategy of how to avoid myself and Cody getting sprayed by said skunk. In the end, I just sat and stared at him until he eventually turned around and went back to where he came from seconds before Cody made his way back to the car. It wasn't until the next morning that I really put together the pieces of how terrible and yet hilarious it would have been if that skunk hadn't simply walked away.
Okay, back to Esalen and the magical springs. We had strict instructions from the employees at Esalen to park at the top of the (enormous) hill and wait for someone to come get us. There was a definite exclusivity vibe emitted from this crazy place. While we waited, Cody laid on his back with his GoPro in hand and tried to film all of the stars we could see. He also tried to convince me that this weird tube-shaped light structure was the Milky Way. What can I say? It was 1a.m. and there were a lot of freaking stars out there. There were two other younger girls who had also signed up for the early morning soak with us. A guy came and got us right at 1a.m. and walked us down the hill to a small security hut where we signed our names and allowed them to check our bags for glass of some sort. In the midst of the bag searching, there was a joke about how the Esalen employees were not TSA agents, which was only the beginning of the slew of government jokes we would hear before our time ended.
During the preliminary searching, we learned a few things from the obviously under the influence employees. First of all, there had been a juvenile mountain lion seen on the premises that we should keep an eye out for (great). And secondly, the tube-shaped light structure was definitely the Milky Way according to the guy in the parka. Cody's "I told you so" look was evident even through the darkness.
The next two hours of life are sort of fuzzy. We were directed to the springs (large stone tubs) where we were to soak. We were shown how to turn on and off the water that flows out of a spring at 119 degrees. And then we were NAKED and sitting in huge bath tubs full of lusciously hot water that smelled like rotten eggs and felt like a blanket from heaven. It only seemed weird to be naked in front of complete strangers for a few minutes. Then all of the sudden the fact that I had on no clothes and no bathing suit seemed downright normal, even logical.
We spent two hours moving from tub to tub mainly trying to avoid ever having to be in a tub with other naked people. We listened to some of the weirdest conversations about government conspiracy theories and must-watch documentaries and aliens and being true to yourself. I was lulled by the crashing waves directly below us. The moonless night was dark enough to hide my embarrassment about being nude and not being part of the counterculture that Esalen takes such pride in. There were some people in the tubs who were actually staying at the resort. These folks were obviously different, if for no other reason than they were willing to spend thousands of dollars to attend a wellness retreat, something that a lot of people (probably including myself) aren't willing to do.
As is the case with a lot of experiences that unfold in the wee hours of the morning, this one seemed significant to me. The cold air and hot water and crashing waves and low voices all mixed together to create a couple of hours of existence that stood out from the rest. As I floated in the water, I couldn't help but consider my own wellness. The past year of my life replayed in my mind as I eavesdropped on strangers talking to strangers about living a life that is true and authentic. I listened to conversations that I would have rolled my eyes at in the daylight, but that I believed in the darkness. I didn't feel like me for those few hours. The environment was too foreign for Katy Prater from Ft. Smith, Arkansas to exist within.
In those hot tubs, I vowed to be better to me moving forward. I promised not to be so hard on myself, especially in respect to getting pregnant. I assured myself that not having kids at this very moment is not a problem. I resolved to having children one day somehow. I made note of all of the good things in my life that make floating in hot mineral springs on the edge of the country in the middle of the night possible. I laid my head against Cody's chest and I breathed deeply at the thought of the enormous well of love that I have for this impossibly good human being that I get to travel the world with. And for those couple of hours I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
3a.m. eventually came. We managed to navigate back to our cars without getting mauled by the juvenile mountain lion (although I honestly was so relaxed I wouldn't have cared much). We drove the thirty minutes or so back to our little cabin and crawled back into bed. Before I fell asleep, I made myself remember one more time. I wanted to make sure that the tubs and the love and the vow to be better weren't lost in the dream world of the early morning hours. I wanted to make sure that my two hours at Esalen carried some weight and that the "deep change" that the website touted was a possibility even after the sun rose over Big Sur.
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| We sat in this very tub, except it was completely dark so I didn't know it was this pretty. |
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