My fertility crusade has been somewhat uneventful as of late. The past couple of months have felt a little less hectic if nothing more because it's summertime. Ultrasounds and appointments have been easier to schedule. I haven't had to awkwardly ask to bail on fourth period in a while, and it's been nice.
Since June I have been doing acupuncture and taking an obscene amount of supplements suggested by my acupuncturist (if that's an actual title). I was skeptical at first. I feel like acupuncture is sort of like unicorns and God - one of those things that exists on faith alone. Nonetheless, Cody and I both decided that acupuncture is one of the last components of fertility treatment that we should give a shot to feel like we have exhausted all of our options. It just happens to add around $400 a month to our ever-expanding "try to get pregnant just one freaking time" fund.
I've been pleasantly surprised with my hippie-dippie medical treatment. The needles don't really hurt. They play Enya on a loop. The office smells like lavender and peace. The actual person who treats me sort of looks like what I assume Mother Earth as a human would resemble. She has a tongue ring and wears Chacos and I still trust her to insert needles into my abdomen on a biweekly basis. She talks in calming tones and tells me that this is all going to work and rubs my forearm when she talks to me. She tells me to relax for thirty minutes with needles sticking from my body and electrodes coursing through my reproductive organs. I stare at birds in trees and breathe a little deeper than I normally do and every once in a while I truly believe that those needles are working. Doing something that the hormones I'm being pumped full of can't accomplish.
This past month did result in an acceptable follicle (egg) and we think ovulation. We had two IUI's (intrauterine insemination) done in an attempt to allow Cody's sperm to bypass my (hostile) cervix and go straight to my (even more hostile) uterus. The IUI's were by far the weirdest part of this whole experience so far. One day I may explain why it was so weird to have my husband's sperm injected into my uterus, but not today. It's just a little too raw still.
Months ago I would have told you that the hardest part of infertility is all of the poking and prodding. It is the hormones and the pills and the ultrasounds. It is the shots and IUI's and awkward doctor's visits. I would have told you that those things are the reason why people stop trying to get pregnant. I realize now that it is the aftermath of all of those things that is actually the hardest.
Any given month is split into two halves. Trying like hell to get pregnant and then waiting to see if you are. There are a couple of weeks (or longer) when women have to wonder if the sperm actually found a viable egg. You wonder if maybe the acupuncture and the supplements and the Clomid and the collection (don't ask) and the pinched cervix (yes, he pinched my cervix) worked. Maybe this is the month. Maybe this will end in May or June or July. Maybe my womb isn't so hostile after all. It's the weeks after all of the hassle when infertility is at its worst. These couple of weeks are what make people crazy.
Each month there is a glimmer of hope that maybe this time will be different. That glimmer only exists in the couple of weeks after all of the treatment. It burns a little brighter with each new procedure and each new medicine. The harder you try, the brighter the glimmer. And in turn, the more devastated you feel when you realize that your stupid glimmer is completely unwarranted and you're not pregnant yet again. This month my glimmer is brighter than ever before. The stars have aligned a little more this time around. I have tried to protect myself. I have reminded myself that thirty minutes of needles and the bypassing of my cervix isn't just going to magically result in a human being. I have tried to walk the tight rope of realistic pessimism and healthy optimism. I have tried to brace myself for whatever impact I am soon to experience. I've tried to manage all of these conflicting emotions all month long and I've come to the conclusion that maybe I will just let myself hope. Forget being realistic and just go with it.
Maybe unicorns and God and pregnancy come only to those who believe. Maybe pregnancy is like the adult Santa. Maybe you've just got to believe.
No comments:
Post a Comment