Mother's Day

I have endured my first Mother's Day without my mom. It was as difficult as you'd assume it would be. I spent a lot of the weekend trying to remember last Mother's Day. What did I give my mom? What did she give me? I think I remember she gave me a card, but I couldn't find it. I can't remember what we did or what I wore. I don't know if my mom was feeling well or not. I just can't remember any of it. I'm angry at myself a lot these days for not remembering time with my mom. I wish I would have recorded all the details, taken tons of pictures. I wish I remembered what she said and what we did. But I don't. I never will.

I have a video on my old phone from Christmas 2015. My brother is in town and we are sitting in my parents' living room after having opened presents. My brother is doing something weird and I am filming him at the beginning. A few seconds into the video I started filming my mom. She was laughing at my brother, and I remember wondering if my mom would be alive at Christmas the next year. I filmed her reaction to my brother and then she says a few words and then the video cuts off. I've watched that video over and over again since my mom died, trying to solidify her laugh in my mind. I want to crawl through that phone and hug my mom, tell her I'm sorry she was sick, tell her how much I admire her for fighting as long as she did, tell her how hard it is being a mom without her here with me, tell her I love her, hear her laugh again.

On Christmas this past year my mom was bald and thin. We had our annual family dinner in Fort Smith rather than Poteau to try to accommodate her failing health. I remember when I got to my parents' house for lunch I went back into her bedroom where my mom and my aunt were. My mom was lying down trying to save her energy for the meal. She was happy. She didn't feel well but she was in good spirits. She talked about trying to gain some strength back. I told her we should do something really small each day like walk to the mailbox or something to help her get stronger. She thought that was a good idea. I sat beside her at lunch. I made her a plate of food. She hardly ate any of it. After the meal, we opened presents in the living room. My mom laid in a recliner. I sat beside her on the fireplace. I worried about her the entire day. The day after Christmas an ambulance took my mom to the hospital because she was dizzy and disoriented. That night they confirmed that the cancer had spread to my mom's brain. Forty-one days later she was dead. We never walked to the mail box.

My mom has been dead for three months. I've celebrated Easter at her grave site and Mother's Day as far away from it as I could get. I don't know where my mom is. I don't feel her with me. She doesn't talk to me. I worry about what happens when people die. I know that if my mom could send me some sort of message to help me she would. I haven't received it yet. I primarily feel alone. As if someone cut the only tether that existed between me and everything familiar to me. I don't feel sad necessarily or upset. I just feel alone. By myself. Adrift. Lost...

I don't know what I've learned from all this. I don't know how my mom's death has made me a better person. I don't know the moral of this story. Maybe it's lost too.

Owen - 11 Months

Owen is eleven months old. He is eating everything we put in front of him, walking around with eight teeth in his mouth, and working on walking on his own everyday. He experienced his first fever and vomited for the first time in the past month, although the two incidents were not related. I also celebrated my first Mother's Day this month, which was certainly less celebratory than I would have liked with my mom being gone.

I honestly have no idea how much the kid weighs or how long he is! He seems to be growing all the time though.

We visited the Janet Huckabee Nature Center with Dad one afternoon. We had a really good time, or at least the parents did.

Owen loves looking out of the window in the morning when he wakes up. 

We like to go to story time at the library when we can. 

My little Harry Potter. 

We retired this car seat this month. Owen had outgrown the height limitation. Weirdly, getting a new car seat sort of bugged me. Time is just flying by. 

We ate lunch with Owen's cousin Carmen one afternoon. 

His hair is laughable at times. 

We went to Wild Things Farm with Katie and Allie to pick strawberries. Owen tried his first strawberry and seemed to like it. 

We joke that our closet is Owen's "room" because he doesn't actually spend much time in his own bedroom. The boy does love going through our shoes though. He is his mother's son. 

Owen loves walking this elephant and another toy all over the house. 

Owen - 10 Months

Owen (A.K.A. Dellsy, Desmond, Odell, Doosy) weighs 20.8 lbs. and is 30 inches long according to his most recent doctor's appointment on March 31st.

The weather has turned warmer in the past month so we have spent time outside as much as possible. Owen celebrated his first Easter. He took pictures with a live bunny to commemorate the holiday. He also went to Little Rock with his parents and his Nana for a JO volleyball tournament.

He got his third bottom tooth on March 7th, and we think he is working on getting another. All together he currently has five teeth.

Cody and I went to watch Justin Bieber in Tulsa a couple of days ago. Owen's Poppy and his aunt Sandy kept him from around 5p.m. until about 1a.m. It's the longest we have been away from him yet. His babysitters claimed he was very well behaved. His parents had a great time in Tulsa.

Owen is still very active. He is not walking but can cruise along most anything and has started being interested in climbing. He smiles all the time, but also has started communicating some demands by grunting at us. It's cute at this point, but I see how it could start to annoy his mama eventually. He is not saying any words that have meaning to him, but he "talks" all the time.

He loves spaghetti, apple sauce, and his maple flavored puffs. Recently, he has shown more interest in solid food, but certainly still nurses...all the time.

Some pictures from the past month:

Some of our photos for Easter. Owen was mostly gentle with the bunny. 

On his way to celebrate Poppy's birthday.

Playing in the park with Dad. 

Swinging and sleeping on the porch. 

Bath time. Sometime he loves it. Sometimes he hates it. 

In Little Rock at his gymnastics class while I was coaching. Owen seemed to have a good time although seemed a little overwhelmed at times. He definitely liked hanging on the equipment and walking on the beam. 

We also had to visit the Easter bunny at the mall. I was terrified of him, but Owen handled it like a champ. 

Easter morning with his first of three baskets. 

Grocery shopping. 

I got caught up in Pinterest one afternoon and attempted some rice cereal paint. Owen hated it. He apparently is not a fan of getting messy. 

Hanging out with the Kratzberg girls and licking all their toys. 

Owen - 9 Months

Owen is nine months old. This post will cover more time than usual. I just recently realized that assuming Owen a month older every four weeks doesn't actually cover all 52 weeks in a year. Therefore, I've recalculated and will start counting Owen a month older on the 8th of each month moving forward. I blame all of this on the fog of being a mother months ago. I'm finally coming back into the light of the real world.

Owen is around 30 inches long. It's hard to measure him accurately because he won't sit still long. He weighs at least 19 pounds. Long and skinny.

He generally goes to bed around 8p.m. and wakes up between 7 and 8. He generally naps twice a day, but he is becoming harder and harder to get to sleep during the day unless he is in the car.

Owen has four teeth. Two on bottom and two on top. His top teeth have a gap in between them. So cute.

Owen has mastered crawling on his hands and knees rather than his belly in the past weeks. He can pull himself up on anything he wants and can cruise alongside stuff, especially his play pen.

He still loves to clap his hands, bang objects together, look at anything that spins (especially ceiling fans), and playing peekaboo. He likes to facilitate peekaboo himself with his blankets or a pillow. He also likes to duck below the edge of his play pen and pop his head up when someone is watching. Some of his favorite toys are his table with the purple legs and any kind of block. He will play on his own for five or ten minutes at a time.

He eats food at most once a day. He really likes spaghetti and bananas. He also likes drinking water out of a straw if someone is willing to squirt it in his mouth.

We are still fighting food allergies. He has had two rashes in the past weeks because I have eaten something that bugs him. Dairy still seems to be the issue, but it doesn't bother him all the time. It's a mystery pretty much that we have just learned to do our best to keep under control.

Owen seems to be getting sweeter and cuter every day. I realize I say that in every blog update about him, but certainly this is a really fun age. He has so much personality. He is very active, happy, and sensitive about some things. He is pretty much the best thing ever.

On a completely different note, Owen's GeeGee passed away on February 4th. It has been a challenge to manage all that comes with a parent dying and keeping up with a baby. However, time and again Owen has been the shining light in a room of sadness. He has made us smile and laugh. He has been a welcome distraction. He has been a source of strength for me at a time when I have felt as if the world is crumbling around me. It upsets me to know that Owen will never know my mom. To him, she will only be someone I tell stories about. However, I find myself on a daily basis reminding myself to slow down, to drink in the moment, to try to capture his little sweet breath or his wispy hair because my mom would want me to. She would want me to relish this time with my first baby whether she is here or not. So in a way, my mom will always be here. Owen will know her because he knows me. I suppose that's what being a parent is about, passing along the good even after you are gone.

Pretend this just says 36 weeks. 

His hair is the best. 

Wearing Dad's hair net from work one day. 

Owen likes to reach for lights and people and all sorts of things. He did this while we were meeting with the pastor about my mom's memorial service. From then on, we've considered this Owen's "praisin'" motion. 

Swinging at the park. 

Shopping with Aunt Sandy. 

Giving Dad a bottle. 

First thing in the morning. 

This kid is the best.