Last Friday I went in for another ultrasound to check the progress of the chocolate cyst (yes, it is actually referred to as a chocolate cyst...blasphemy) on my left ovary. The assumption was that if the cyst was the same size or larger than the last ultrasound we would move forward with surgery to remove it. Turns out, my cyst has shrunk some. It is still there, but it is smaller than last month. Dr. Bell has decided to put me on birth control for a couple of months to see if the cyst will continue to get smaller.
I suppose this is good news. I certainly wasn't looking forward to having the surgery, but I was looking forward to removing the cyst and having a better idea of how widespread the endometriosis is. It really bugs me that there is not an easier way than surgery to evaluate exactly what I have going on in my own body. It also seems completely illogical that birth control pills can be used as a means to achieve fertility. Backwards.
I am trying to resolve myself to the slow moving nature of this whole process. I realize that treatment has to be based on a monthly cycle. I realize that I am not the only person who is a patient of Dr. Bell. I realize that all options need to be tried before you jump into a surgery. I realize all this. I also realize that every month that passes without me being pregnant is another month that passes with very little progress from my perspective.
I am also trying to keep pregnancy from turning into a goal in my mind. I have a tendency to be a bit intense and persistent and ruthless in respect to things I want to achieve in my life. I worry that I am going to start approaching getting pregnant as just another goal, like an A in a class or winning a volleyball match or remodeling my laundry room. I keep trying to remind myself that pregnancy is not the end goal. After you get pregnant, you actually have a baby. I think I forget that sometimes.
On a completely different note...if you happen to see a married couple of child bearing age at an OBGYN office, that does not necessarily mean that they are pregnant. You may want to assume this is the case. You may want to be the first to know about this joyful time in their lives. You may reason that there is no other logical reason why both a woman and a man would be together at a doctor's office other than to see their newly minted fetus on an ultrasound. But trust me, there are other reasons that unfortunately bring married couples to the doctor, even young, healthy-looking married people who should have a baby ( I mean they've been together forever). And because of the plethora of reasons that bring people to doctor's offices, you should hold off on a congratulatory Facebook message until the couple actually announces their pregnancy. A congratulatory Facebook message about pregnancy for a woman who just found out that she may be infertile is kind of like a punch in the stomach...an empty, barren, non-egg releasing stomach. Let's not get ahead of ourselves folks. Just a thought for this Friday afternoon.
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