Katy Vs. Her Ovaries - The Good Fight

One of the hardest parts of this whole reproductive mess of mine has been my struggle with whom to tell about my infertility. Early on in the process I told no one with the exception of one of my closest friends. I didn't tell my parents. I didn't spread the news to my other friends. I suppose I felt embarrassed in a way. I'm a prideful arrogant confident person by nature and I think the idea that I would have problems having kids was a bit of a chink in the capable Katy armor that I tend to wear. I also assumed for a few months that I could out-think or out-work this whole thing and end up pregnant without even having to mention this little bump in the road. Obviously that idea got thrown out the window soon thereafter.

I knew at some point I had to tell my parents. The main reason I avoided this conversation was because I know how much my mom especially wants me to have a child. In some weird, twisted, unhealthy way my mom's cancer diagnosis was the original impetus behind me really considering getting pregnant. I've always known that I want to have a child at some point, and the idea that my mom's life may be shortened motivated me to make a decision on the baby issue a little sooner than I would have on my own. My mom often makes it known that she wants a grandchild, and despite the fact that I have an older brother, I seem to be the best bet for a little one. (Thanks for that, Jared.) I didn't want to disappoint my mom with my infertility, despite knowing that my mom would never be disappointed in me over this.

After talking with my parents and sharing this news with a few of my friends, I started to realize that talking about my endometriosis was actually a really productive experience for me. Almost every person I talked to knew someone who also had endometriosis or someone with some sort of fertility issue. I realized that my initial feeling of isolation was an unwarranted feeling. There are so many women with similar circumstances that it seemed silly not to be talking about these things.

After I told my parents and my closest friends, my next logical step was to start blogging about my experiences. I realize this may seem odd to some people, but the older I get, the more I realize that sharing your experiences is what this whole thing (life?) is all about. Since I've been writing about my experiences, I have had more than one person reach out to me with their own experiences with infertility. Those connections with people are invaluable. There is no reason to go about this alone.

The other day I got a text from a person I hadn't talked to in quite a while. Today she is a mom of two young kids, and I haven't gotten an opportunity to really talk to her since the birth of her two boys. She texted me out of the blue to tell me about her own infertility struggle after having read my blog. She ended the conversation by saying that she "vowed I would never be silent...if given the opportunity to talk about infertility." She said that while she was going through infertility she felt "clueless" and "broken" because she had no one to talk to about her experience and that broke my heart, and yet made me so happy that she has her boys.

I have no idea when or how my experience with infertility will end. I don't know if I will look back on these days years from now with gratitude that my struggle ended with me having my own kids. I don't know all of the ways I will have to fight to have a child. I don't know if I will end up being a mom to my own kids or someone else's kids. But I do know that infertility will not break me and it does not and will not make me any lesser a woman. I will not let myself run from these days when the struggle to have a child consumes my hours like so many other women. Infertility is not the scarlet letter I first thought of it as. Talking to other women about their experiences has allowed me to come to these conclusions, and thus I will continue writing and talking about my own experiences, despite the inevitable discomfort it will cause some folks. My recent exchanges with other women have provided me so much comfort and hope in an otherwise bleak existence of counting days and ultrasounds. Indeed, there is power in a conversation between two women who have fought the same fight. And that power is what allows me to continue to fight this good fight. Well that and the fact that I so desperately want to see mine and Cody's DNA meld into whatever magically awesome offspring we both anticipate it could create.