On Monday, September 29, 2014 I took a positive pregnancy test. Two positive pregnancy tests in fact. I was a couple of days late on my period and decided to take a test before work without Cody being there. This secretive test taking isn't something new. The suspense of a late period makes me crazy. Cody generally tells me it's probably nothing and gives me sort of judging looks with every negative test I take.
On this particular morning, I managed to get an "error" result on the test. I thought it was sort of funny. My inability to do anything fertility related is humorous at times.
I told Cody about my inconclusive test and he agreed that if I hadn't started my period by the time I got home, I should take another. I didn't spend the day thinking about being pregnant. I wasn't giddy at the thought of being pregnant. I never imagined this month would be any different than all the rest.
That evening around 5 I got home and we decided to do another one. Cody and I went to our bathroom. I took the test, sat it on the counter, and we stood and stared. Thinking back on those couple of minutes of watching that hourglass turn seems so precious to me now. I've taken so many pregnancy tests. Generally Cody is completely ignorant to it. I don't know why this happen to be the time Cody entertained the test enough to be with me, but I am so glad he was.
Moments later we found ourselves in disbelief at the word "pregnant" scrawled across that tiny screen. My immediate reaction was laughter. Cody gave me multiple impassioned high fives. I squatted on the floor of our bathroom and tried to determine what I was feeling.
Still I am not quite sure what I felt. I thought the whole thing was really funny or maybe there was so much emotion that the only output I could manage was laughter. I wasn't overwhelmed with appreciation or happiness. I didn't really feel like all my prayers were answered. I didn't feel an enormous sense of relief. I laughed. Because after all these years and all these tests and all these ultrasounds, I'm not sure I ever believed that a positive pregnancy test would come so easily. I never thought a random Monday evening in September would play out with the realization that I am pregnant with my husband's baby. The entire scene was too normal to make sense to me. Getting pregnant has been so far from what I ever imagined that it seemed foreign to be standing in my bathroom staring at a pregnancy test just like everyone else does. It didn't compute for me.
We eventually decided to chalk the test up to a fluke. Neither of us were willing to surrender to success as easily as taking one test on a whim. This couldn't be how this would all end.
We went to eat Mexican food shortly after this experience. We got in the car and drove to the same restaurant that we always eat on Monday nights. We ordered the same stuff we always do (minus the Coke for me) and we kept looking at each other to see if some sort of clarification was to be found in the person sitting across the booth. The whole thing didn't make a bit of sense to either of us. I don't think either of us had the words quite yet.
After dinner, we went to Carol Ann Cross Park. We told ourselves that we needed to take a few more tests and call the doctor's office before we got too excited. We both were aware of the heightened chance for miscarriage and respected that a positive pregnancy test may not necessarily result in a baby. But we also knew that a positive pregnancy test meant that something huge may be about to happen.
At the park we walked and held hands and giggled. We tried to control our excitement. We tried to act like we were not getting our hopes up too high. I tried to control my visions of baby names and furniture and baby showers and all that it means to be pregnant. I tried so hard to be stoic Katy. It was nearly impossible though.
We walked and said very little. We looked at the ducks and talked about work and watched the sun sink below the horizon and we never let go of each other's hand. Day one was nearly in the books.
No comments:
Post a Comment