The day after my positive pregnancy test I called Dr. Bell's office. The receptionist asked me what my message for the nurse was like she does every time I call...I managed to squeak out "I think I'm pregnant." I was terrified of saying the words out loud. It was like if anyone besides Cody or me knew then maybe it wasn't true at all. On that Tuesday I did some blood work. The nurse called me back the next day and told me that I was in fact pregnant. My hCg level was around 900; when it got to 10,000 I would be able to do an ultrasound.
I answered all of these calls from the doctor's office in secrecy for weeks. I would almost always be at work often times with twenty-five students staring at me as I rushed out of my room into the hallway to answer a phone call. When the phone would ring, my heart would beat out of my chest, my voice was shaky as I spoke. I was always so scared of the information coming from the other end of the line. "You did not ovulate." "Your cyst has grown." "Your surgery date will be..." These are the messages I have received from the doctor's office. Up until a nurse told me I was pregnant, I can not remember a positive bit of news from phone conversations with nurses.
The week after my initial pregnancy confirmation, I went back for more blood work. The nurse called me with the news that my hCg level was high enough to do an ultrasound. I was barely five weeks pregnant at this point. I got off the phone and immediately called Cody. I told him I was scheduled to do an ultrasound that afternoon. I was so scared. I didn't even know all of the complications that are oftentimes anticipated with pregnancy and endometriosis, but I knew an ultrasound so early on was not typical protocol for most patients. I spent the next few hours at work with my head spinning about what was happening to me. I walked up and down the halls and talked to all my coworkers as if nothing was out of the normal. On the inside, I was a wreck.
Ultrasounds and fertility treatments go hand and hand. I have lost count of how many I have done. On this day, I knew this was different. I understood that somehow this ultrasound was going to confirm if I was in fact pregnant with a viable embryo. I had no idea what to expect though.
It was Cody and I in the same dark room as always. The tech displayed the image on the screen. She punched a few buttons, took a few screen shots, and finally told us that everything looked "great." At the time I couldn't really conceptualize that the peanut-looking white shape on the screen was my son, but I knew that it was the beginning of something that we had been trying to manage for years. The tech proceeded to tell us how far along I was measuring. Toward the end of the scan, she hesitantly searched for a heartbeat after explaining that if there was not one, there would be no reason to worry. She told us that so early in a pregnancy the heart literally may not have formed. She continued to assure us not worry...and then suddenly this little wah-wah noise filled the room and there he was. This weird, creepy image on a screen had a heartbeat. He actually existed. Cody and I looked at each other in complete disbelief.
Looking back on it, I am so glad we heard a heartbeat on our first ultrasound. I was already so worried about complications that even with good news I nearly made myself a nervous wreck. After the ultrasound we were told the due date was June 3rd. I was told that I was considered "high risk" because of all that led up to the pregnancy. I scheduled an appointment with Dr. Bell and told that I would do blood work every week to monitor my progress.
Cody and I walked out of the hospital that day in utter confusion. The whole thing was so hard to process. We were so happy to know that everything looked normal, but at the same time, with every piece of good news our hopes continued to grow. We knew it was still early. The ultrasound tech told us that most people who get to 12 weeks go on to have a successful pregnancy, but that was seven weeks away for us. We agreed not to tell anyone until we had more of a grasp ourselves.
Nonetheless, this was the day that I started to accept that I was pregnant, that I may actually have a child. This was the beginning of Cody and Katy as parents. We both understood the magnitude of the situation. We both knew that our lives were going to be changed from this point forward regardless of how exactly this experience ended up. We tried to talk about what was happening. We tried to analyze the situation logically. We tried not to get ahead of ourselves. I focused on all that could go wrong still. Cody assured me of all that was going right. We started our balancing act of emotions and moved forward just the two of us carrying this secret. For two people who were becoming parents, it felt very much like we were giddy kids. We were just so happy.
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