Real and Powerful and True

I am currently twenty-one weeks pregnant. I wrote this when I was only eight weeks pregnant...consider this a flashback blog post.


I am eight weeks pregnant. I am eight weeks pregnant. I am eight weeks pregnant.

Sometimes I remind myself of the fetus attached to my uterus, because my life seems entirely too normal for me to be eight weeks pregnant.

I determined I was pregnant about four weeks ago, which means I have been living this reality for nearly a month now. I have told my parents. I have told a couple of friends. I have gotten an ultrasound. I have heard a heart beat. There is a baby inside of me, albeit a human baby that closely resembles a small sea creature, but a baby nonetheless.

I have been going to the doctor on a weekly basis to get blood drawn. I am considered high risk and in turn will be monitored more closely than most women. Each week my hCg level and progesterone is measured. The past two weeks my progresterone level has dropped around five (I don't know what unit of measurement is appropriate here). Progesterone is the hormone most closely associated with miscarriage.

When I found out I was pregnant, I knew that the hard part wasn't necessarily over. The internet had informed me of the heightened risk of miscarriage associated with Endometriosis. I often times reminded myself that a positive pregnancy test wasn't the end of the fight. Nonetheless, it's hard to be pregnant for a month without sort of giving in to the idea that I will deliver this baby one day. I still hesitate to speak in any certain terms. I still want to start baby sentences with, "If this actually happens..." I want to protect myself. I don't want to jinx myself. I want to build a wall of realism in order to protect against the worst. I try to analyze the tone of the nurse's voice when she tells me the progesterone dropped again. I want to try to determine if these experts know more about what's happening inside my uterus than they're letting on. I want to know whether or not June 3rd really is the approximate date on which my life will irrevocably change, or if the next change will come much sooner.

The day before I was to undergo what I now realize was a successful IUI, I had an acupuncture appointment. I told the chiropractor and the receptionist at the office that I was going to do an IUI the next day. They both approached the experience so hopefully. They really bought into the positive thinking concept, referring to "when" I get pregnant rather than "if." As I walked out of the door of the office, the chiropractor (who also doubles as my life coach...joking...sort of), very seriously looked me in the eye and told me "what you think about, you bring about." I assume I rolled my eyes and continued on to my car. However, those words stuck with me.

The next day as I drove to the hospital for my IUI, I repeated to myself again and again "I will get pregnant." I made myself say the words out loud. I fought through the negativity and the walls I had built. I envisioned myself swollen and pregnant. I envisioned myself holding a baby. My baby. I made myself go there. I made myself feel what I wanted to achieve. And I cried. I cried until I had to stop crying or risk Cody knowing that there was something wrong.

When I took that pregnancy test on a random Monday evening after work and stared at the words "Pregnant" so matter-of-factly printed on that small screen, I couldn't help but think back to the concept that "what you think about, you bring about." Suddenly what seemed so silly and new age and fluffy, felt real and powerful and true.

I am now in a constant battle to balance what I think about with an appropriate amount of self-preservation. I cannot name this child. I cannot buy baby things. I cannot tell the world what I know. I cannot consider paint colors or pediatricians. I cannot jump head first into pregnancy because the opposite end of the spectrum is simply too dark. I used to be protecting myself against a negative pregnancy test. The enemy now is much scarier.

The good news in all of this is that I am pregnant and for now I am focused on doing everything I can to harvest this little sea creature until it can bloom into an actual human baby.