Katy Vs. Her Ovaries - Swing and a Miss

I went back to the doctor today after taking about 2 months worth of birth control pills in hopes of shrinking the cyst on my left ovary. The past 2 months have been really good for me. I have felt better in all of the weird ways that I have chalked up to endometriosis problems. For example, about 2 years ago I just randomly started getting acid reflux. It was super annoying and seemed such a weird development for a mid-twenties seemingly healthy person. I had decided it was just one of those things that happen as you get older, until I learned how much endo can affect your stomach, bowels, and all of that other digestive stuff. The past couple of months my acid reflux has just disappeared. I had decided this must mean that my cyst had shrunk as well.

I also had a weird experience in the early morning hours on Sunday that entailed me having some pretty severe pain on the left side of my abdomen for a few hours until the pain got so bad that I was in a cold sweat and dizzy and nauseous and telling Cody that I needed to go to the hospital. As Cody was getting ready to take me, the pain just sort of subsided. It was very odd. After some research, Cody and I decided that the whole episode must have something to do with my cyst and we were hoping that maybe it had ruptured and was gone. Always hoping these days...

Nonetheless, I was looking forward to the doctor's appointment just to see if we could get some clarification on all of these things. Cody and I were both expecting some sort of positive news. Unfortunately, we didn't get it. Turns out, my cyst has grown quite a bit. In fact, my cyst is now about 5.5 centimeters which is pretty big in the ovarian cyst world (Go big or go home, I always say). We also found out today that I may have more than one cyst on my left ovary, which might be what caused the extreme amount of pain that I felt Sunday morning. Apparently, my left ovary was having a party while I was trying to sleep. Old Lefty invited a cyst friend over for an early morning rendezvous that resulted in me in a cold sweat clinging to a toilet bowl trying to decide how my husband was going to carry me all the way into the hospital. Made for a lovely morning.

I kind of felt like my bubble got burst today. I had so much enjoyed the past couple months without worrying about getting pregnant or cysts or anything along those lines. I felt like I really knew what was happening inside of me. I felt like the signs all pointed to progress. And yet, I was completely wrong. Swing and a miss. I am not in tune with my insides, not even a little bit.

Our next step seems to be laparoscopic surgery to remove the cyst(s) and see where we stand after that. The surgery is scheduled for late July just around the time when I need to be focusing on volleyball and school. The whole thing is so frustrating for the part of me that desperately needs to control everything in my world.

For just a minute this afternoon I considered stomping my feet and throwing a fit and just simply saying "no." No, I'm not going to do the surgery. No, I'm not going to go out of my way to get pregnant. No, I am not going to let something that should be so natural and fundamental and instinctual get in the way of my life. No. No. No. It's simply not fair. It only took me a beat or two to remember that I don't throw fits in times of unforeseen surgery. There are much bigger battles in this world to fight. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.

On a lighter note, I will be here in less than two weeks.

I'm packing up my cyst friends and heading to St. John for a week. Say a little prayer that one of these jokers doesn't decide to pop or invite anyone else to our little left ovary party while I'm on an island in the Caribbean.

3 Years Ago Today

This happened three years ago today...

You would think that three years would be enough time to really process any event in your life. However, I still today get overwhelmed at the thought of my wedding day. It still feels hectic and nerve-wracking and crazy. It still seems overwhelming and stressful and hot. It. Was. So. Hot. Nonetheless, June 19, 2010 is a good day in my mind and that is all you can really ask for. 

I thought in honor of this three year anniversary I would provide you with a few fun pictures that probably capture the essence of that day better than the one above. 

Exhibit A & B

I cannot tell you how many times I have people ask me why I'm not smiling or check to see if I'm "okay" because I apparently look as if something is wrong. Look at these two people who created me. Neither appear too terribly happy on this supposedly joyous occasion. This is who we are, folks. Smiling is not our default expression. I need you all to accept this and move on.

Exhibit C

I have a brother. His name is Jared, and he is pretty cool. However, I think Jared is a good example of the not-so-smooth demeanor that most Schrodt's experience after taking upwards of fifty pictures in one day in the heat. The above picture is a good example of the limits lots of folks stretched in order to capture my wedding day. Certainly I appreciate it. I know it was painful at times.

Exhibit D

One of the really frustrating parts about getting married for me was how often I felt awkward. I think I am probably somewhat awkward by nature, but I also feel like deciding to take a million pictures lends itself to analysis of those images. The picture above was taken after the ceremony. I remember the first time I saw this picture weeks after getting married. I don't know why, but this picture struck me as hilarious. I think I look huge, not as in overweight. I  just feel like the dress and the fact that I have my arm around Cody makes me look big, much bigger than the man that I just married. I also feel like Cody's posture sort of makes him look like he's handicapped. The whole picture is a mess. A funny mess. 

And finally, Exhibit E

That's my husband rolling around on the dance floor. An empty dance floor by the way. People did eventually let loose after Cody managed to break (shatter) the ice. There were a few tense minutes though in which we were all left relying on Cody and three-year-olds to set the tone. I wouldn't call that ideal.

Again, this day three years ago was a whirlwind to say the least. Nonetheless, as with anything in life the stressful parts of our wedding day now serve as a source for some good laughs. 

Three years later there is one thing that resonates with me still. I spent the entire day leading up to the actual ceremony with an enormous amount of anxiety. The whole dress, veil, flowers, thing certainly was not something with which I felt natural or comfortable. I remember standing in the back of the church waiting to walk down the aisle. My bridesmaids were already on their way. It was just my dad and me waiting for what seemed like an eternity. I was scared to death. Finally, the doors opened and I was kind of taken aback by how many people were in the church staring at me. There was a split second that I considered bailing. I figured I could drag my dad backwards and just forget this whole wedding thing. The only other feasible option in my head at that time was to start crying. I was so, so close to losing it right there in the back of that church. I almost found myself in a completely un-Katy-like sobbing mess. Eventually, once I digested the number of people staring at me, I finally found Cody at the other end of the aisle. Standing. Waiting. Smiling. I felt an enormous wave of calm and confidence that dissolved my whim to run or cry. I didn't need to run or cry; I knew that if Cody was at the other end, I could make it there one way or another.

Years later I still look to Cody for comfort in those moments when running or crying seems like the best option, and I think that makes for a successful partnership in this world...

A partnership in which we ride off into the sunset in a red convertible with confetti in our hair and impeccable back muscles because of all the hours I spent working out leading up to that dang wedding. 

Katy Vs. Her Ovaries - The Inbetween

My husband turned 27 today. For whatever reason Cody’s birthday has always served in my mind as the unofficial starting date for my “gotta get a baby” journey. I can very vividly remember Cody’s birthday last year. June 9^th happen to fall in the midst of when I thought I should be ovulating (happy coincidence). June last year was the first month that I really set my mind to getting pregnant. I forced myself to ignore whatever hesitation I had about getting pregnant, constantly reminding myself that pregnancy is bound to happen when the time is right (where is that theory now?). I counted days and learned about ovulation and really tried to get pregnant and in turn have a baby the following March in perfect school teacher fashion. However, despite all the math and reproduction knowledge I had gained, I worried that something was wrong. I never felt like I was pregnant. I never felt like all of the pieces were coming together. June was the beginning of a long string of negative pregnancy tests that each added a bit more fuel to my worry that something was amiss.

Last night Cody and I got in bed a little after eleven. We laid in the dark and counted down minutes until midnight so we could kick off his birthday celebration. We talked about his 26^th year of life. We talked about all we had done in the past year. We discussed what he wanted to accomplish as a 27 year old. We remarked about how quickly time passes. Throughout our conversation I couldn’t help but think that if someone asked me what I remember most about being 26, I would have to respond with endometriosis and all that has unfolded. If someone were to ask me what I want to accomplish as a 27 year old, I would reply with getting pregnant. I was happy that Cody didn’t seem to think of these things. I am glad that Cody keeps moving forward. It’s something I am constantly trying to get better at myself.

Midnight rolled around as John Mayer songs floated through the air from the speakers of my phone. We held hands and laughed and talked about years ago when we first met and all the hours we spent in bed doing just those things, holding hands and laughing. Talking about what we dreamed of doing. Talking about where we want to be one day. Talking about the things that roll off the tongue a little easier in the dark after midnight on your best friend’s birthday.

Not being able to get pregnant has a way of taking control. Until just recently I was allowing too much of me to be devoted to having a baby. Last night with Cody reminded me of all the good in our lives. I realized that there is so much more to this world than having a child. Being with Cody is so easy and right and good. We want to have a baby, but it doesn’t have to happen on some specific timeline. Last night was a reminder of the necessity of living in the inbetween…when birthday celebrations make for an easy conversation with the person in this world who you love the most. The inbetween when turning twenty-seven feels a lot like seventeen .The inbetween when Lifehouse’s “You and Me” comes on your Pandora station for the first time in a long time. The inbetween when holding a hand feels a lot making a promise that everything is going to work out just the way it’s supposed to. The inbetween that ends up being exactly where you are supposed to be for now. The inbetween that every once in a while is the only thing in the world that matters. The inbetween that I assume one day we will all realize is actually just life.

I love Cody Prater, and he makes all of this past year a lot easier for me to handle. I am grateful for that and so much more about the man I married. Happy birthday to the best guy.